Helpful phrases for communicating with your child/teen during these difficult times:
1) Open-ended phrases to prompt conversation in a safe and loving way
Start with something basic, like, “What do you know about …?” to assess what they’ve heard, seen, or processed already. This will give you a baseline for what else to ask or say. Try to match your response with their level of awareness.
Other open-ended phrases might also prompt young people to speak more freely, especially when they’re confused, sad, or scared:
- Tell me more … [about what you’re feeling; about what you mean; about what you’re experiencing.]
- I wonder how … [that person might feel; we can help; this is impacting you?]
- Let me know if … [you want to talk more later; you have a friend who’s struggling with this; you start to feel anxious or afraid.]
2) When they have questions you don't have answers to
Say something like: “I don’t know, but…” There are a number of ways to access the power of this phrase to hold a safe space with a child/teenager:
I don’t know, but …
… that's an important question.
… I wonder that, too.
… thanks for sharing it with me.
... how about we meet again later to talk about it again?
You might, of course, have an answer to the question. But even if you do, it might be wise to step back and probe a bit before unleashing your “right” answer. It might turn out that being heard is more important than the answer itself, at least at the moment.3) It's not always about problem solving
As in any conversation with a child/teenager in pain, be mindful of moving too quickly to problem solving. In the wake of tragedy, lead with questions such as these:
- What feels helpful right now? (a hug, praying, snuggle time, a walk?)
- Is there anything you need? (Have you eaten? How are you sleeping?)
- Who else is helping you through this? (geared more toward the teen vs child)
- When would it be helpful to check in again? or I'll check-in with you in a few days...
